I’m feeling sad and alone, a lonesome that is eerie as it is unexpected.
I’m feeling trapped, an entrapment that is suffocating as it is cruel.
I’m feeling cold, a cool that is depressing as it is unavoidable.
I’m really confused, a confusion sawn of disbelief and bad choices.
And I’m really remorseful, a remorse as genuine as it is heartfelt.
The above poem is a mirror into the disarray that is my thoughts, the whirlwind that has become my brittle emotions. I’ve always thought that I will always live a regret free life, a vibrant life if you may, a life of vigor and subject only to the dynamism of imagination. Where knowledge is just but a booster of better judgments and wisdom but a guide of better choices. Paradoxically, where it becomes possible to live by ones ideal; it creates a scenario of blown bridges that we only recognize as vital when it’s but too late.
So as a consequence of seeking the promised life, la vida loca, we walk over the people that matter in pursuit of things that only seem to matter. As we live a life of senseless strife, que sera sera as one beautiful lady said to me, we adopt the notion that lets whatever will be, be. We see the end only as the only thing that matters and fallaciously believe that the end justifies the means. Interestingly, this attitude leads us to ignore the infinite goodness of the human soul and reduce people to means; means to an earthly end. We do so without realizing the error of our ways, with complete disregard to divine wisdom, and casting aside the immortal saying that extols the soul and diminishes the value of all that is material.
But at the end of the day, we end up alone and ashamed. Alone because we chose the world over those who would give up the world for us. Ashamed because we failed to recognize, in good time, that the world means nothing if you loose those who matter to you along the way. So if you are one of those people who I’ve hurt, my sincere apologies. Sometimes we hurt those we love because life plays us the wrong cards; we are helpless and have no way to show to you our vulnerabilities. When this happens, it is only human for you, dear friends, to see us in bad light. It is normal for you to cast us a side, to hate us even, when all you should give is sympathy and understanding. For those few who despite all odds remain steadfast with us, God’s blessings, for your graces are surely divine. And God’s mercies shall follow you all your lives.
For those we treasure, yet they still desert us at our hour of need, we find it within out troubled hearts to forgive you. We do so because we treasure the moments when life was easy, when smiles flowed like the wine in Cana. When we joked and played and laughed our hearts out in celebration of our unity and bathed in the pleasure of each others company. We pray that God blesses you paths too, for even in your betrayal, we still find solace; that once, we were lucky to call each others friends. In this time of darkness, the light shall shine again and show you the way back to where we made our friendship bloom. And for you, yeah you, that he grants you divine wisdom to understand, even while everything points the other way, nothing changes in the way I feel about you.